Yesterday morning I woke up. I looked in the mirror, and as usual, I died a little inside. In fact I died a little more so because I was constantly comparing myself to a friend who will remain coded as "K". K is blonde. K is a flirt. K is a size 2. K can (as was proven yesterday) manipulate me to the point where I don't know who I am anymore. We were driving down to a piercing parlor in Massachusetts so she could get her navel pierced. She wanted me to get mine done too. Once down their, after she'd done hers. I made the mistake of looking at the navel jewelry. I was curious, I was tempted. Her voice and the persuasion of the piercer got me into the chair. Once it was done I began to feel waves of regret wash over. And yet, because of Katie telling me how smashing it looked I couldn't tell her that I hated it. I got back to my dorm after telling Katie I couldn't keep hanging out with her that night, the first and only time I had stood up for myself that weekend.
I got back to my room and I cried. I drove my boyfriend, the wonderful and patient man that he is absolutely crazy by the end of the night. He loves me. But I've realized a very sad truth this morning. It used to be that he was the one who emotionally dragged me around. Now it is I who do this to him. I miss his emotions. I don't know what he has done with them. I assume he has hidden them from me, in an attempt to please me. But you see, sometimes when he'd cry I'd say, "oh dear god no! Please don't cry!" BUT THAT WASN'T BECAUSE I DIDN'T LIKE THAT HE CRIED! It was because I knew he was crying because I had made him cry. That I, had said something, done something, that had pushed him over the edge. I miss him.
I wish I wasn't driving him away. i'm trying not to. I'm reading my psychology text for clues as to why. I try to calm myself down. I'm forcing myself to eat at least 2 meals a day, I know that my extreme diets drive him bonkers, and I'm focusing on not doing that. But I still drive him to the point where I think he'd rather I wasn't there.
I feel that even though I am a year older, ever since I've gone to college our ages have been switched. As if we are freshman and senior on the same plane instead of two different ones. He has gotten so wise and I have gotten so scared and lost. Is that simply what happens when you are freshman and you are senior? Is it an illusion or has a change taken place?
He is always supportive. He always says "I love you too". He kisses me on the forehead. He holds his hands on my hips and lets me lean my head against his shoulder. He is gentle, very gentle.
At 5am I figured out how to undo the navel ring. The relief I felt as I removed it was staggering. When I woke up this morning i nearly cried for joy. I jumped out of bed and looked in the mirror, and for the first time I saw a different girl in the mirror. A girl with hips, yes. But also a girl with a flat stomach, and strong muscled legs. A girl with a pretty smile, which balances out her slightly crooked nose. A girl with large brown eyes, that despite being brown look pretty. I think for the first time. Instead of seeing an image conjured out of hate. I saw me. It was a strange feeling actually liking the way you look. I'm still absorbing the shock from it.
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Austin asked me why I threw out the things that I wrote. I told him it was because they were crap. I can't resurrect the monologues I have been tossing and not posting. But I can post this one that was conceived this morning. And instead of being written down and tossed, was typed here.
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