Waking dreams

She calls me
The seductress of old
Her fingernails
Tear at my skin
Her screams
bring me to my knees
I miss her voice
The way she hurts
The pleasure of the hunger
And the fear of reprimand
The poison she offers
Brings acid from my throat
Only quenched by fear
Fear of my mistresses demands
Yet still I can't back away
She waits for the day
When I'll falter
And fall in love
With her again.

Experiment in metaphor.

Slipping from the window
My feet can't reach the ground
Contemplating falling...
Who would catch me now?
Oddly silent evening
Save the ever moaning of the trees
If laws could be broken
And decisions made undone
But alas the choice was made
The price in blood
Will soon be paid.

Errant thoughts and experimentation in punctuation

Misty memories peer
Into thinly veiled mist.
Out of the night
And into the light
Some laugh --
Some cry --
None will survive.
The waking bell of morning
Sounding through the trees.
I cannot help, but wonder,
Have you forgotten me?

A proposition

I know of only five or six people personally who have actually read this blog. Therefore this is a test of readership of one person in particular with whom I am too timid to openly send a facebook message to. Reason being I honestly don't deserve to talk to them. My desire to speak with this person comes from a morbid and self-destructive idea and desire to make peace with someone whom I greatly wounded. I know this will only make me miserable, yet I can't seem to find peace with myself until I do. The main reason why I will not venture into the blue abyss of facebook is that text is too callous for this task. "Hi, I'm sorry I tore your heart and left you for someone else, want to get lunch and catch up?" ...yeah... I think whomever reads this is getting my point. Also I am under a most probable delusional assumption that this person wants to speak with me... at all. He probably has seen me on campus and has avoided me skillfully.

If I know me at all. I will be weighing the pros and cons of this decision and never do anything until I awkwardly run into him at the library or some other generic location...

Sincerely,
me

p.s. "a most probable delusional" yeah that was great grammar...

Dreams

Memory kills me in my dreams
Unable to find the space to sleep
In peace and ever-lasting harmony
Instead of fearful memory
So into blackness I sink
Drowning in my past mistakes
Feeling the oil spill down my throat
Lungs replacing air for dark dark fluid
And as my mind begins to falter
Falling to my knees in front of the red suit
Turning in a panic to the man who doesn't care
Saved at the last minute by the one who loves me
Only to realize I've drowned
And cannot be saved at all.

past views

Swimming in this red velvet high
Can't seem to bide my time
Feeling the heat begin to rise
Penetrating layers of my mind
Till all I can taste is wine
Wine and love and sex and lust
Despair and pain and fear and rage
Tumultuous and beautiful
Fearful and sad
Nothing, but memories
Of what could have been.
And what happened in times gone by

FML Facebook, FML (aka MLIA)

I'm getting rather tired of the superficiality of Facebook. Its pathetic. Everyone living out there lives in a synthetic plane. Not that I am any different, mind, but I am currently in a philosophical mood. I enjoy looking at things from the outside in. I also like knowing what other people are up to. For the past few months or so I have tried to stop utilizing Facebook statuses altogether. I tell myself that this is because I do not need the attention nor do I want it. In reality I type statuses frequently, never pressing enter. I do this because the thought of posting such silly insipid things makes me feel utterly pathetic. If I am to post something that everyone is going to read it had better be perfect, witty, funny, and downright original not... "I'm feeling sad and in a desperate need for chocolate and conversation someone please call me." I see many variations on that status posted by people. It makes me sad because I know that when I feel like that I am often too scared to call up a friend or send out a text. The teenage fear of rejection is strong in this one you could say. I feel stunted socially. I am one of those people who is constantly nervous in social situations. Even around my closest friends I'm terrified. Recently I've been of my best friend. My best friend! I am constantly fretting about how to talk to her and how to act and the same thing with all my other friends. FML now I sound like I have some kind of social disorder. (Psychology FTW) Well you know what. Maybe we all need a little therapy. Its like salt, brings out all of our flavors.

Baggage

What to do, what to do
It has all come down to you
The ticking of the clock
The omnipresent tock
Signaling the end is nigh
As my insanity goes a ry
My breathing labors
My muscles quaver
The dreams of yesterday gone
the obsession is beyond
Seized control without a doubt
Something I have no qualms about
Though subconsciously I know I should
Care and send my friends a nudge
I sit in my hovel and weep all day
I don't let myself out to play
And then when the day is done
I exercise till my mind has won
And in the night I lie in bed
Alone with fears in my head
Waiting for the day for you to see
What I have done to me

Goodbye

What makes the wind whistle so...
Like that broken-hearted girl on the plane
She hears them whisper
Calling her name
Nothing will ever change
Nothing will ever change
His love once strong
Is all but gone
Ultimatums and empty promises
Lust and nothing more
Just pain and nothing more
And all the time you feel
As if love couldn't get any better
And all the time you feel
Like he's the only one
Doomed to die alone it seems
As his threats grow ever stronger
And as the fear tightens around your heart
The closing thoughts appear
To say goodbye, would hurt her more
Than any physical pain
But with this thought she knows
That by staying silent now
It'll be him who says the goodbyes.

Rain

Its so sad to watch time fly
To see the weak perish
And the simple die
if I wake tomorrow morn
With sorrow and abandon born
And so filled with unrest
I'll close my hands
And leave the rest
Behind in a cloud
Of panic and misfortune
If only I can smile
When weather clears

The funeral

I just attended the funeral of the girl who died in October. I've spent most of this evening and now morning throwing away her things and deciding what I want to keep. Her funeral was brief. No one who loved her attended. Only me. And I did not love her. In her dying breath I lost the worst of her... but kept her insecurities. She was always willing to wear a mask and to dance for whomever was around. In the end she was a worn out husk. She couldn't keep going. She died in that first kiss. And now I'm here. I'm in her room. I use her computer. I take her classes. I refuse to wear a mask. Am I better for it? Maybe, but I'm hated for it too. I sit here, writing these things on her blog. This was HER blog. And yet the writing style is the same. The insecurities still securely lodged, so deep, that sometimes it chokes me, from the inside. I am the same girl that I was before, but not at all. This is my life. I can't allow others to change me, or let me decide to change for them. That girl is dead. And I am reborn. Four years from now, I will look back and even this version of me may be dead. But... at least I know now that it is a process, and with luck each time, something will change for the better.

Collapse

The tightness
in my throat
As she walks through the door
Her hair fills the room
My breath phrases falter
For I cannot seem to alter
The fear
The anxiety
the panic
the frustration
Might as well give up
No point in trying
This is the end
Of the singer in me.

Spring

The little snippets
Of green
Poke their heads
Above the brown
As if they
Are sneaking a peak
At the world
Before Spring
Innocent
Young
Little things
How terrible
The world must seem
But still
Without fail
You hope
That each spring
The world will be
A happy place.

Mortality

Frailness keeps
Us tangled here
And fear shall keep
Our lost breathe's unknown
In the shadows of the land
The wind shall call
The birds will twitter
The critters bicker
Safe under the pines
We shall remain
As our bodies melt away
In effortless decay

Ghost

Sweeping softly on the plains
I turn my head
With deep regret
To face the window there
And in the darkness
Of the setting stars
I feel the call
Upon my back
On I march
And still so near
The voice I no longer wish to hear
At the visage I stare
And she stares back at me
And though with the sun
She fades away
I can feel her eyes on mine
And the farther I tread
Be it fast or slow
She always catches up to me

The Depressing Couplet Poem

Hatred pours
for i find myself a bore
A wallowing mass
of blubber and gas
Which sets me to thinking
Hollow thoughts unending
Swallow me completely
But yet so discretely
That the world remains
And in fact attains
A separate air
And views my mind as fair
No one sees me slip
And take that fatal dip
Then the thoughts shall stop
And jaws shall drop
For their mortality shall stare
A glance they cannot bare
So after a few tears
They quench their fears
Shut the memory behind a door
And think of her no more

=(

I don't have the energy to write
My eyelids droop
Cheeks still stained with tears
Why haven't I conquered this
After all these years
I wish I could remember when
When I didn't sink this low
But though the price I pay
Is high
The psychosis still seems to grow
And instead of settling
Gently into my lovers arms
I cry and shout and burn with pain
For all I want is peace and acceptance
It is here at hand,
But at the last minute
I self-consicously turn away.

----
And while I sat here moping I just horribly let my French partner down and she did all of a project (short project a skit that we had all but finished other than three lines in class, but still I feel horrible... er...

friendship

There is something funny
About the setting sun
The way it glows
And goes
There is something funny
In your smile
Crooked, your grey eyes
Have something to hide
Dance my friend dance
into the setting sun
Don't let them break you down
The world may fall
But we'll still be
And between us
We'll have a song and dance.
As much as our minds
Break us down
It'll still be our song and dance
That makes the sun rise again.

fantasy

The music wraps around me
Intoxicating and bittersweet
The warmth in your eyes
Draws me close
And so it goes
The soprano drones on
The pianist smacks the keys
The awed breathing
Of the spectators
Unbelievable! For them
To be so easily wowed
Reclining my head
Upon your chest
I close my eyes
And let the dream begin
A concert hall, an opera house
Germany, Austria, France, New York, Italy
And I'm the one they want to see.
To feel that joy, to let the music pour
Like a torrent from my body
Let the emotion unravel
Oh the utter ecstasy...
And to walk home
To a little rundown hovel
No money for bread or water
But content... save one thing
If only I could keep you in my arms.

aftermath

The dreams are worse
They won't stop - unceasing
Why can't I simply let go?
Why tell me things
I can no longer undo?
Why torture me,
With hopeless ifs and whens?

Today

Some days are slower than others. Today was one of those days. Some of the minutes felt slow I could feel them drag past my body like a flood of molasses dragging me though life. Today was not a bad day, merely a slow day.

meeper shneeper

meeper shneeper shneep shneep
meeep meep meep shneep

<3

Snow

The swirling little fluries
Decorate the Air
Floating slowly, floating quickly
Falling everywhere
The people panic
Some just stand still
All fall to mother nature's wrath.
But her temper tantrum
Invokes such wonder
And beauty it thus creates
So can we not help, but wonder
What are we doing here?

Paramore inspired.

pictures and memories
They all fly
Can't see the difference
From the truth and lies
Dreams become reality
Reality becomes a dreams
Just fall asleep now darling
You won't feel a thing.

Time goes bye
The depression will rise
We're all alone
In a room with padded walls
No one to talk to
No one to see
Just ourselves
So we pretend
That we aren't alone
And with the medication setting in
It ain't so bad....
It ain't so...

Can't seem to see the gray
Only in black and white
And as the leaves fall further
The ground swallows them whole
And so I try
To not sink in
But they catch me, kill me
I can't seem to do this anymore...

And Time goes bye
The depression will rise
We're all alone
In a room with padded walls
No one to talk to
No one to see
Just ourselves
So we pretend
That we aren't alone
And with the medication setting in
It ain't so bad....
It ain't so...

panic...

The air burns in my chest
Can't escape this pain in my breast
The tears roll down my face
My mind can't keep pace
Oh god I miss you so
Don't want to ever let you go
So why can't I keep back these tears?
And reign in these endless fears?
My mind paralizes my body
Keeps me taught and my breath fiery
And as I shake and cry out
In the end all I do is pout
For without a intention
I have hurt you by my mention

Metro.

Subways, metros, T's and tubes
Rattle, clatter, roar
Not planes or bikes, but subway cars
My mode of transporation of choice.
The stale air it blows
As the train goes
To the next, for better or worse
Inside the vendors hollar
As the starving cry
And the musicians play
But the travelers walk on by
Enclosed, captivated, alone
So close we are
In that subway car
But so alone, in a world enclosed.

Bubbles in Plaza Mayor

Swirling to and frow
Dancing in the wind
Little spheres of rainbows
The children laugh and grin
Long ago, did the architects know?
Their grand houses
Would be a tourist trap
But in the center
The children laugh and giggle
As the magician waves
HIs magic wand
And out the bubbles pour.

freedom

Freedom? What is freedom?
I am chained to this rock
I cannot break free
Why would I want to?
What is freedom?
If it is not tangible,
Why would I endur for it?
Let the waves errode me away.
Chained to this rock
I will be
Content in my misery

insecurity

Insecurity consumes me
My soul burns away
Perishing in the flame
All I have left is skin and bone
Fat and muscle and blood
My soul ran away
From my mind's shrill cries
Lost, forgotten, my body weeps
A girl without a hope
For anything but pain.

Montreal, 1 week in.

Streetlights consume my mind
Trains move like bullets through my soul
The language seeps into my mind
The brick buildings
The incessant erotica
The magnificent cathedrals
The bitter wind,the cold snow
Have I travelled only six hours north?
No! That cannot possibly be true!
I have stepped into a whole new world.
And to say it was love at first sight
Would be the truth at hand
J'adore Montreal!
J'adore le culture Quebecois!